i breathe in your body whenever we kiss.
these are the moments when time collides and
our definitions merge to form one:
us.
your arms become mine and suddenly i'm
melting,
melting until you mold my likeness with your touch.
who am i?
i am god's child, i am my mother's daughter,
i am your lungs when you feel as if you heart
won't
beat
anymore.
i can never tell you this truth because
you don't understand the beauty of language.
what are you writing for?
i am writing for your eyes, for your tongue,
for your toes and for your never ceasing lungs.
i am writing for me.
when the clock screams for sleep,
you peel your identity from mine.
we are two.
every night, my lungs start hurting,
but i know you're still breathing.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
michelle michelle. an overall wonderful piece. beautiful language, a great job avoiding cliches, and a wonderful title. you are very talented.
my suggestion would be the line "your arms become mine and suddenly im melting... perhaps you could use a different word other than melting. when i think melting, i think you make me melt like ice cream. and lets avoid that. hahahaha.
but i loved this especially the last two lines. wonderful!
I like the questions that you have included in the poem. I think there should be certain stanzas to break up the peice.
"The clock screams for sleep"- awesome line.
The entire idea about being one and then having to separate every night becoming two.- very cool.
I like the line "I am writing for your eyes, for your tongue..." except the eyes seems a little too cliche. the rest of the line is good but eyes could be replaced.
LOOOOVE the title :)
I love this poem. that line "melting until you mold me likeness with your touch." holy Sanzo! anyways, thay saying mother's daughter is really werid but you made it sound awesome. oh and the title...gotta love it...yeah i'm not much of a critic. anyway love it!
Pumpkin,
I loved your verb choices. They all went together well. Words like merge and mold...super. :)
i also liked the two questions within this piece and how you answered them to fit you.
"i am god's child, i am my mother's daughter,
i am your lungs when you feel as if you heart
won't
beat
anymore."
that part was my favorite because it reminded me of an Andrea gibson poem called "Alaska Says Sun".
Now that I have it in my head I might post it on my blog.
these are the moments when time collides
i love this line! probably becasue I just plain love the word collide. i like you have right after that the word merge, and "our arms become mine and suddenly i'm melting"
theres so many great things about this poem, after reading it i got such a good feeing.
the line:
"I can never tell you this truth"
i think it interrupts the flow of the poem a little bit. maybe change it up a little bit?
also i love the fact that you incorporated lungs into the poem. i have a feeling you will be very good at writing the body poems we're going to do eventually.
thats all i have to say now
i'll probably write back later when something else comes to me
peace out friend!
First, I think that the first line should be set up like this.
"I breathe in your body
whenever we kiss."
It would give it more of an inhale exhale sort of feel. You know what am I mean? Am I crazy? Maybe.
The second line in my opinion needs work. I say you subtract collide and thesaurus it do death. Same maybe for moments?
Try keeping a theme.
For instance you can begin with the essense of breathing. YOu already have ceasing lungs and then the begining which express that theme. So why not?
A good thing to change with this concept is "melting". Devise a list of words that have to do with breathing, and air, or atmosphere or something. =D
Yet, I find myself liking,
"melting until you mold my likeness with your touch."
It's nice.
I think also you should break it up now.
For instance like this.
"i breathe in your body whenever we kiss.
these are the moments when time collides and
our definitions merge to form one:
us.
your arms become mine and suddenly i'm
melting,
melting until you mold my likeness with your touch.
who am i?
i am god's child, i am my mother's daughter,
i am your lungs when you feel as if you heart
won't
beat
anymore.
i can never tell you this truth because
you don't understand the beauty of language.
what are you writing for?
i am writing for your eyes, for your tongue,
for your toes and for your never ceasing lungs.
i am writing for me.
when the clock screams for sleep,
you peel your identity from mine.
we are two.
every night, my lungs start hurting,
but i know you're still breathing."
That would be best. It gives you a moment to breathe! HA GET IT!> disoghsdfohguohoerhgo;rhgtiopbhsfhruoghasdfukghioghsepfugh
Anyway.
Also, no screaming clocks? Maybe another word? I mean, I like the image, but use a different word that is more fluid.
michelle. let me try this again shall we [the stupid machine ran into an error and deleted my last comment. sigh.]
i absolutly love the verb choice in this poem [i.e.: screams, peel, breathe in your body]. and the title is wonderful. you did a great job avoiding cliches that would have been easy to sink into to, which is why i love you.
i love love the idea of posing questions and also the questions posed because my head kind of flies in various other directions. "what are you writing for?" yes, wonderful.
okay time for suggestions. i think the word 'definitions' doesn't quite fit although for the life of me right now i can not think of any suggestions. i think that the repetition of melting isn't quite needed, and one sentence could kind of be used to run into the other.
and lastly, my favorite part would definately be the last two lines, although might i suggest changing 'but' to 'and'.
michelle. i love the language in this piece and i love the way you didnt use capital letters i think it works really well ... i think it might work if you put the words 'beat' and 'anymore' on two seperate lines i think it would flow better if you did [but you can do what you want :)] ... and i love the title it definietly made me want to read it ... so good job ... and keep up the good work !
Michelle, I absolutely loev this poem. The title really captures the moment, and it is extremely unique. One of my favorite lines was "when the clock screams for sleep, you peel your identity from mine." I love that idea of the clock screaming at you to go to sleep. One suggestion i do have is that you pay attention to your line breaks. In some spots you have the words, "won't" and "language" all by themselves on a line and it looks sort of weird. But, other than that i love this poem!!! good work!
Well, first off I would love to say I love this poem! Great job. It is very enjoyable.
Suggestions:
a) "our definitions merge to form one: us"
I think maybe you could end it after "one", and just cut off the "us"?
b) "I breathe in your body whenever we kiss."
hmm, I am thinking maybe a differnt word/phrase for kiss? Maybe like...idk. Do you know what I'm saying?
c) This is a very silly suggestion but the
"won't
beat
anymore."
Do you think it would sound cooler if it was
"won't beat
anymore."
That way the "anymore" is more like more pronounce. And then you have like two sylables on each line and I think it sounds cool.
d) I like how you have the cool line breaks and how some lines are really long and some are really short, but I still think you should break it up into stanzas. That way it will seem more organized it will be easier for the reader to understand.
Love It Lines:
"I am god's child, I am my mother's daughter."
"I am writing for your eyes, for your tongue, for your toes and for your never ceasing lungs."
"you peel your identity from mine."
"every night, my lungs start hurting,
but i know you're still breathing" i love that line. & i love the title by the way.
Post a Comment