title??

you showed me your past on a computer screen
pointed at your flaws
your mistakes
everything that makes you human and
you said, help me fix this
there must be a glitch
people say i'm not real.

well hell honey
breathe in nostalgia and
what life has painted for you
with her fragile hand
tell me if life's worth living or not
after you met death that bleak september
night.

in my many seventeen years of life
i know one thing scarier than death:

life.



ps:: i promise to make it less vague. this was a stream of thought.

daddy knows best

the moment i realized my family meant nothing to me, my dad hurled his bladed words into my fragile memory. he called me a cynical little bitch for one reason or another while my sister gazed with terrified eyes. there was no protecting her or me.

we were the victims of failed word choice.

i can't remember was never an excuse. but sometimes it's true. i just can't invent the past, or reasons why my father, carrying then 44 years, would ever degrade himself by insulting his oldest.

my dad may have the iq of a card-carrying MENSA member, but most of the time his mentality mimics a teenage boy who just wants to get his way. i can see him sitting across from me in a classroom. he's the one who divides his periods through shut eyes - who never really tries but determines through power he'll be the one ruling the world in ten years. dark moose hair sprayed across his temple, numbering the breaths he takes...

an accomplishment, i think.

if he could give me one piece of advice, he should say,
"i hope you never aspire to be me."

then,
i could safely craft my future without fear of failure.

overwhelming

my family isn't a family. and to put it in the simplest term,
i hate it.

my parents are an eruption of who-does-what-better and dreams-don't-exist. mommy is the woman who gave birth to me and daddy doesn't care about my
'feelings.'
happiness, intimacy and love are merely meaningless, abstract words.
my sister walks the earth with no tangible form of communication. she's lost, but the definition had vanished before she could grasp it.

sometimes i wish i could start all over again.

i can't remember the last time daddy said i love you. yesterday i wasn't his daughter, i was a wretch of a girl who didn't check her tires for air.
how could i forget?
i must be stupid.
circumstance doesn't exist to the king of the household.

confidence is just a word.

proof

i'm in love with jim morrison. he wrote this: called, who scared you?

Who scared you? why were you born, my babe?
In two-time's arms with all of your charms, my love.
Why were you born? just to play with me?
To freak out or to be beautiful, my dear?
Load your head, blow it up, feeling good, baby
Load your head, blow it up, feeling good, baby, ahh.
Well my room is so cold, you know you don't have to go, my babe.
And if you want it up right, I'm gonna love you tonight, my love.
Well I'm glad that we came, I hope you're feeling the same.
Who scared you and why were you born? Please stay.
I see your rider, coming down the road.
Got a virgin, carrying a heavy load,
One sack of silver and one bag of gold.